Day 1, Letter A

For the entirety of this month, I will be writing letters to my little girl. Each day, I will pick a different attribute or little something about her or a different hope or dream I have for her to write about, working my way through the alphabet. I hope you all enjoy this little glimpse into my heart. I am going to print them out and make them into a little book that I will give her a little later in her life. Because of the nature of some of the posts, I will either write out extra letters, appropriate for a little girl, or wait until she is old enough to understand them before I give her the book.

Dear Chloe,

I can think of so many words that I could use to write this letter. And all of them would be appropriate. You are my little angel. There is a very real reason why I call you this. Even now it is very hard to think about. Only two people in this world actually know this story. I guess now, there will be a lot more.
When I was pregnant, I suffered from pre-partum depression. While this is not often talked about, it is actually very common. While every pregnant woman worries about whether she will be a good mother and whether or not she is up for the task at hand, my thoughts went beyond this. I had days that I was 100% positive that I was going to be a failure as a mother and that this world would be a better place without me and any child who might in some way take after me. There were days that I thought about having an abortion, something that I am very strongly opposed to(which tells you that my head wasn't my own at that time).
I also entertained thoughts of suicide. I say entertained because I never actually intended to act on these thoughts. Except once. I was having a really bad day, fighting with Daddy(which happens a lot when you throw an unplanned baby into the mix), and nothing was going right. Because I hadn't even heard of pre-partum depression until after I had you, neither of us knew about the cause of my tumultuous emotions. Because Daddy was in the main living area, I hid out in the bath tub to try and sort out my head. As I laid in the tub, I came to the decision that this was it. I was done with this world and trying to even just exist. I laid there apologizing to God, and telling Him that I just couldn't do it, that I had no reason to try anymore. As I thought those words, I felt your tiny foot rub against my hand that was resting on my stomach. Instantly, my head cleared and my tears began anew. This time they were not tears of discouragement, but instead tears of relief and joy because God had sent me my own angel in one of my greatest times of need. I love you Angel-Girl!